I guess I should be expecting this by now, this tender heart around my monthly ‘birthdays’, and don’t I say that each month? Heavy, heavy heart this week, and skin as thin as tissue. It literally feels as though something is sitting on my chest. I don’t know if it’s the news these days or my six month-a-versary, or both. I pretty much left facebook and got rid of my cable in the interest of avoiding the news media (which I don’t trust one bit) and the divisive commentary pervading social media these days. However this week’s news even pervaded and reached me via Instagram. What little bits I’ve learned fucking hurt.
Some days I wish I could just be one of those people who gets up, drinks coffee, goes to the gym, does the 9-5 job, 2 weeks of vacation every year, and doesn’t obsess, reflect, and FEEL every single little thing. Are there people like that? I need so much fucking down time, so much self-care, I resent that I have to work so fucking hard just to keep from sinking. Meditate, yoga, walk, journal, pray, get enough sleep, not too much sugar, socialize (don’t isolate!), careful not to binge too much on Netflix, read more; it gets exhausting, the work and effort it takes to stay happy. And sometimes it feels so self-indulgent, so #firstworldproblem. I feel weak that I can’t handle the world sometimes, and lazy that I need so much time between, time alone to recover from things.
That said, I feel better today than yesterday. I started the 365 day workbook for A Course in Miracles. I meditated, I did yoga, I wrote, I walked, I worked and helped my clients heal, I ate healthy, I reached out to friends, and I went to my Friday night Women’s meeting and picked up my 6 month chip. I realize this is the life I’ve been given, these are the tools I’ve been given, this is the path I’ve been given. I’m grateful to have the perspective, time, freedom, and support to navigate this path of truth with my eyes open.
And I have other positive news I haven’t written about yet, because I wanted to keep it protected until I knew how it would go. About a month into my sobriety my ex and I decided to get together to see how it would be without partying. It was Valentine’s Eve, 2016. I think we were both surprised and relieved as well as disappointed (uh-oh, here we go again?) that our connection was as wonderful as, if not better than ever. We’ve been taking it very slow but it has just gotten better with me sober. He’s been my biggest supporter and champion.
We’ve been more steady and solid and I attribute it to the fact that he can take me more seriously. I rarely throw down road blocks every time I get scared, and neither does he. When I’m feeling like he’s not giving me enough attention, I no longer send him long passive aggressive texts. Instead I focus on me, stay quiet, and give it a few days. I use my sobriety tools for our relationship, such as handing it over to my source and not expecting him to make me happy. My happiness comes from me.